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A Coffee with Lockheed Martin….

December 16, 2013

I got a special one-on-one interview with global power house Lockheed Martin.

NOTE: This is a company, not a person, we spoke through email, the illusion of a personal interview is for your enjoyment only

Me: Good morning Mr. Martin, how is your day going so far?

LM: Very nicely thankyou. Profits are down a little this month, with the Iraq and Afghan war winding up, but you know, at least I managed to get a 5km swim in this morning, it’s part of my commitment to the community you see.

Me: Yes, delightful. Can you give is a brief overview of what you do and your day to day schedule?

LM: Well I am kind of everywhere there is conflict. I research, design, produce and sell the complex armaments that help the USA and its allies maintain their military power throughout the globe. I make missiles, military aircraft and communications.

Me: That kind of research must be complex and expensive.

LM: Well, yes, but through government programs, predominately the government pays for it, with these things called “t-axes”.

Me: it’s one word, taxes, not t-axes a weapon. Is giving tax payer money to you the best way to spend government money?

LM: Well yes. I produce billions of dollars in profits every year for my shareholders and managerial staff, who then contribute to the economy to create jobs and so on. On top of that, our weapons create US superiority allowing US and allied businesses to prosper all over the world and our internet security and networks maintain the US led dominance of the global poor, this allows us to help the US and their allies grow economically.

Me: Isn’t war expensive and the money would be more productive contributing to local projects like schools, hospitals and community development? Also wouldn’t a healthier, better educated population be better able to solve problems without resorting to conflict and how do you respond to accusations that this economic stimulus kills innocent people and contributes to global insecurity and conflict?

LM: Um, we make things that go boom! Look:

Me: Oooh, pretty. Turning to my homeland, Australia, what has happened to the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter (JSF)? Its many years overdue, the price of each unit has doubled and some of accused it of being a huge waste of money that could have been put elsewhere?

LM: Well, we spend millions a year lobbying for government contracts and advertisement. So I would say to you, the Australian government has to put its tax money somewhere, why not into research and development for our company? Even if the JSF never arrives or the cost doubles again, at least we’ll have made some headway in designing new weapons or surveillance systems.

Me: So what about research that suggests building these weapons is wasteful and actually contributes to the likelihood of war?

LM: Well, the best way to maintain peace is to have the biggest guns and best weapons.

Me: Didn’t that lead to world war one which killed 30 million people?

LM: Would you like a piece of gum?

Me: Yum, thanks. Now, to finish up Mr. Martin, would you like to address THOSE rumours?

LM: I’m not going to comment about my relationship with Miss Cyrus.

Me: Um, I meant that you were making cluster munitions that are illegal under international law and lead to the deaths and maiming of thousands of innocent children every year. Some have said this is blatantly profiteering from people’s suffering, or as one commentator put it “blood money”. Wait, what’s happening with you and Miley?

LM: This interview is OVER!

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